Space Monkey 2000
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: Sometimes, the monoliths get a mite tired of all the crap...


**Space Monkey 2000**

Are you kidding me? Are you frickin' kidding me?

Gah!

Alright, let's start over. I'm a monolith. I know I've got to portray myself as the tall, strong, silent type to lesser lifeforms, but believe it or not, I've got a personality. And before you ask, the fact that I like to play dominos is completely incidental. And…oh, "lesser lifeforms" is a bit insulting for Homo sapiens? Well, first of all, get over yourself. You're still above Homo erectus, Paranthropus, and Australopithecus. And second of all, get over it. I'm a monolith. One of many. One of fewer than I'd like for, but, well, that's another story. One in an alternate dimension that ended in a giant space foetus, but that's beside the point. When you're not allowed to contact lesser species directly, you tend to talk to yourself a lot. And write fanfiction. Go figure.

So yes, the reason for my "gah" up above is a bit of a long one. Y'see, it was going so well at first. One of my brothers is planted on the third world of this solar system. A group of monkeys touched it (no, not like _that_!) and got super intelligent. Everything from the fashioning of tools to the groundwork to _Also sprach Zarathustra _(that's in your genes, believe it or not). And…well, that took about 100,000 years until those monkeys lost most of their hair, developed war, space travel, and forced the dolphins out after they stole all the fish (or something…the details don't matter). But anyway, they were ready. Finally ready to find the second monolith on their moon. They came close y'know – there was this guy whose arm was strong, and his first steps created quite a buzz, but those few steps remained a few steps, and my brother had to wait half a century for the hairless apes to come back there. They were meant to have a base there by 2001 of their calendar, but, well, even we monoliths get our estimates wrong. But the date I'd like to bring up is 2021. The "Astral Gate Accident" as the humans call it. Long story short, it resulted in the near extinction of their species, the moon being destroyed, and the monolith of it.

…bugger.

That's all I could really say after I learnt of the accident. Course by the time I'd learnt of it the moon had been destroyed around 35 minutes ago. 70 minutes after destruction a message of mine reached where the moon was. And another 35 minutes after that, I realized that my friend had been blown up as well, which made me realize three things. Firstly, the light barrier is a bitch. Secondly, these humans were proving to be far more trouble than they're worth. Thirdly, I'd lost any chance of creating a giant space foetus and…actually, make that only two things.

So yes, humanity spread throughout the solar system. Not according to our plan for their evolution (we're just trolling, in case you're wondering, that's our plan), but hey, amusing enough. I remained hidden from them when they reached Jupiter. I didn't step in when they colonized Europa. I let go of my dreams to make Jupiter a sun. Once in a while I kidnap a pilot and put them through a lightshow, but I keep myself restrained. Mainly because I have nothing to do. A sent a message back to my creators back when the moon was destroyed, who happen to be 450 light years away. Dunno what they want me to do, but right now, it doesn't matter. Because as of this musing in the depths of space, I, this monolith, am done.

Monkeys. On Ganymede.

Human-made monkeys. A retrovirus designed to turn humans into _monkeys_, as designed by humans, launched by humans, and failed to stop by other humans. Thanks to their failure, I now have to deal with a whole moon of monkeys that the humans have decided to keep quarantined.

Part of my programming is kicking in already. It's my duty to go down to Ganymede and kickstart their evolution, to evolve back into humans. No, I don't get to foster new life on Europa. I don't get to turn Jupiter into a star. I don't get to create a giant space foetus. I have to make monkeys evolve. _Again_.

So y'know what? I've had it. I've sent another message to my creators, explaining this development. But I've also included my own personal message. It's going to take 900 years to get their response on that particular nugget of info, but like I've said, I've had it. I'm not going through what my Earth counterpart did for 100,000 years. But, like I said, I sent my own message. You want to know what it is? Well, here it is, in all its majestic glory. The message from your maker to its own makers…

**CAN'T BE ARSED**

Now if you excuse me, I'm going off to play dominos.

* * *

><p><em>AN_

_So, saw _Gateway Shuffle _recently. Under the premise of the Space Warriors succeeding in unleashing monkey business on Ganymede, giving me the idea for this._


End file.
